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Why are there so many songs about rainbows,

2004-11-17T11:24:00.000-08:00

And what's on the other side?

What could that really mean? What if you could have what you dreamed? You know, the other side of the rainbow. Would you really be happy? Or would you have something else to be miserable about? Then you would have to write another song about a rainbow and what's on the other side.
I admit that I constantly dream of the rainbows and want what is on the other side. How I would be different. Who I would have met. Would I be happy?
These are the things I think about when a song gets stuck in my head.

Far Far Away. Why do they all have to be Far Far Away?

2004-11-12T08:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, so Philly ain't that far, just about three hours drive. But still far for my car to make the tr. I should actually tell you what I'm talking about. Make some sense.
I met this guy a few times at the conventions I work at. He seemed nice, but I thought that he was just another pretty boy jock that was just looking for a good time. We exchanged email and I thought that was it. Well, we had short conversations and wrote once or twice and that was it. I had, by that time, met "smalllville" and was going through some drama with that and the guy I work for. Being quite tired of the soap opera that was unfolding with that situation, I decided to go through my phone and did some "spring cleaning" of the phone numbers of people that either don't talk to me or I don't talk to them anymore. I came across his number. (I nicknamed him "Indie", so that's what we will refer to him as in this blog.) I thought to myself, "Why not give him a call and see if he remembers me?". I called and left a message and then tried again a few days later, another message left. Fine, whatever. He ain't calling back.
October 30, 2004, Chiller convention. I was donning some wigs the entire weekend, this peticular night at the bar I was donning a blonde piece. Some people thought it was my real hair. What??? Are they crazy??? Anyway, I was having a great time just drinking and chatting with my friends, when suddenly this guy comes up behind me and says "Hey! I know you!". It was Indie! I was surprised . I had forgotten how good looking he is. He was with some people, so we just chatted for a bit. Later on that night, it was last call and the group I was with filtered out into the lobby. Indie came back up to me and said that he and his friends were leaving. "Give me a call again. I've just been so busy." he said. For a second, someone had interrupted us and he was going to leave, but I held on to his hands while I answered the other person's question. Well, after that we all had to go. It was about three in the morning at that point. We said goodbye again and I promised to call him after I got home on Monday.
I forgot to call him on Monday. So Tuesday rolls around and I gave him a call after work. We talked and talked and talked some more. There are a lot of things we had in common. Acting, painting, advertising art, singing, dancing, a bit of modeling (him more so then I). At that point we decided that we should hang out sometime. My friend Donna had his birthday that weekend and I thought that if it was ok, Indie could join us. I told him I had to check if I could bring him along, since it was a surprise party for Donny, and that if I could, would he be interested in taking the trip to NY. He said yes, "anything to hang out with you." Cute......very cute. he can talk the talk, but can he walk the walk. Anyway, the only problem was where was he going to stay? at first it was at a hotel by JFK. But he said I would have to stay the night. He would get a room with two beds and all. To say the least I was not going to have it. So I suggested my house. Mom started complaining how messy the house was. Ok, so now what? I was just about to call him and tell him to forget it, when I asked Terry if it was ok if we crashed at her place since she was coming with us. She said it was kool as long as we didn't make any noise. I said it was nothing like that. To reiterate.....I don't want any more drama in this soap opera.
I had work that Saturday but got off of work at four. He was met me at my house and then we headed over to Terry's. We had so much fun on the drive there! The laughing would not stop. Even at the party, making fun of or threating eachother. (BTW, don't let Terry take off her earrings, if she starts to you better run 'cause your ass is in deep shit!) By twelve midnight the three of us wanted to call it a night. Besides, it was way too crowded. We headed back to Terry's still laughing our asses off. I got a parking ticket. Laughed at that too. When we got to her place, I was out like a light.
Now this is where god says, "So my little Heather doesn't want anymore drama, hmm? Well Heather, you don't always get what you wish for!" (Yes, the midgets in my head told me god said that. They have horns and little arrow tipped tails.) ANYWAY, nothing bad happened. He was a complete gentleman. He put me to bed, massaged my feet, then kissed me on the forehead goodnight. He layed beside me and held me close. I thought I was going to die. I turned slightly and looked at him and said thank you,...he kissed me and said goodnight. I say again.....I thought I was going to die! The next morning we woke up and Terry had to leave. we got ready and left soon after. We had breakfast and went back to my house where I showed him some of my art work and old photos with my mom. Since then we have been talking with eachother for LONG periods of time. But we both agree with things going on in this soap opera that now is not the time. He wants to get things done and so do I. But the point of all this.......well, I don't really know as of yet. All I know is that I still have scars that are taking their sweet ass time to heal and Indie would be nice to have in my life, but not right now and I'm not totally sure how I feel. I know that there are some feeling brewing, but I must keep them at bay for now and see if when I do want him seriously, if these feeling are the same. Just friends for now. But why in god's name do they always have to be so far, far away.

Never fall in Love

2004-11-04T07:33:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to get a chance to write for several days now. It's slow enough today at work just to get something written here.

Anyway, I spoke to my SD "smallville" guy back on the 25th or 26th of October. Wasn't the best of our conversations. It felt like it was our last.
Never fall in love!
But what if it did work out between us? What if I was actually......something.....someone.....meant something? Would I say "never fall in love" then?
Yes...... I would.
You know why? Because it still hurts. No matter how you dice the fucker. You love that person so much either way, that if something were to happen, one of you died, left, even if you knew you had to let them go, in order to save their life, it cuts you so deep inside that untill you die physically, you know you have died already. That day. That hour. That minute.
Now I am not saying that I felt THIS stongly for "smallville", but I felt it getting there. Just creeping up on me. Watching,.... waiting,.... like a tiger stalking it's kill.
Do I sound sane? Ofcourse not! Who is anyway these days?
I want to hang out with him more. Do the friend thing. We would have so much fun together. So much laughs. I know it.
"You can't skip the branches on the tree of fate." - ME
That's if you believe in that kind of stuff. Fate.
Fate, fate, fate...................it can kiss my ass for all I care.
Never fall in love!
I have to vent. I need to vent. I feel like I always loose. I don't feel I have the upper hand.
We have so much in common. Why can't we be? Be more? Together? I used to believe in omens. But now it feels like fate is putting them in my life to sike me out. The bastard!
You know, I could just keep on ranting like this for quite a while. No real set thought, no structure. But right now....right here... I think I will stop.
Never fall in love!

2004-10-14T14:42:00.000-07:00

I am Girl Next Door
Click on the picture below to read more:

Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

Well, I guess it fits me. I was more of a tomboy when I was little anyway. Cute quiz though.

The word for today along with some bit of sigh

2004-10-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

This is about the third attempt at getting a chance to write something today. Sorry about the title. I really could not come up with anything.

Anyway,.....I must say that I have been feeling quite ....i don't know,...."blah". Yeah, I think that is the word for today. "Blah". It's like you don't care if the word makes your tongue just roll and fall out of your mouth. So, that is how I am feeling today. Though I did speak to my South Dakota boy last night. (warning: this blog is going to be about him again. sorry, I need to get it out of my system.) That made me feel good. Even if we are only friends.
He gave me a call around 12:30 am last night. I didn't pick up my phone. I wanted to see what kind of message he was going to leave since we hadn't talked to eachother in over a week. (hey, it felt like a really long time, ok. He even said so himself). So the message he left sounded so, so sad. He said,
"Hey, It's me! Just called to see how you're doing. Haven't talked in a while. I got my phone back now. I am actually not surprised that you didn't answer. Uhmm, I'm sure your not to thrilled with me. But that's ok. Uhmm, been dealing with alot. Uhmm, if you wanna talk, give me a call or I'll call you later. Hope you are doing alright. Talk to you later."
Sad, sad boy. I feel bad that I can't help him out more. But he's a big boy, he can take care of himself. Right?!?
So, after hearing that message, it took me about a good hour to decide wheither or not I should call him back. I caved. I hated hearing him like that and wanted to cheer him up. Besides, when he does answer my emails he always says that they make him laugh. (I like to send him lyrics of songs from "Grease" or "The Muppets". It's something we have in common.)
When he picked up the phone, it was like we just picked up from where we left off. Well, after the "Are you mad at me?" talk, which was very brief. He told me what has been going on and how stressed he is with current projects that have new contracts, (he is an film editor/actor) and the constant fights with his ex-wife. She had apparently broken a window before he left. So we talked for about an hour and a half . Sigh. I had to keep myself from just falling again. I've worked so hard at keeping my feelings toward friendship, but every now and then, I just can't control it.
I think about the amount of fun we had just sitting and talking, laughing, with no sexual tention what-so-ever. Just having a great time. A great and rare connection. I know he needs time. I have been where he is at. It hurts alot. And everyone tries to pick you up. But you don't want to be picked up. You just want someone to listen, so you can pick yourself up. *sigh* & *blah*.

All I can do is sit on the bleachers and wait for him to ask me to dance.
*starts to do the Hand Jive*

Superman is breaking Lois Lane's heart

2004-10-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

I know that I have only just started my blogs, but there is something about writing down my thoughts (even though I am not a great writer) and maybe having a comment or two from someone I don't even know or will never meet, that relaxes me somewhat.
Now, I have been dealing with men problems for quite some time. ( what woman doesn't.) From ones that break your heart to ones that just completely rip it right from your chest and make you watch how horrible it looks when they break it. (those are the ones that keep you up all night crying your eyes out) And there are the ones that are inbetween. They hurt real bad, borderline ripper. You can't tell if they are mending or ripping. Well, there is one like that in my life now.
He is, to me, a country boy...you know, like smallville, a Clark Kent. Yeah, I even call him Superman or Baby Blue.
Living in South Dakota, he comes from a big family, raised right (whatever your definition of "being raised right" may be.), and is, like me, ...a Jack of all trades, master at some. Yes, not none, some. Six foot four with big blue eyes was never the "type" of guy I would go for. If you took a look at my past relationships, the guys I dated were more "exotic" if you will. Anyway, there was a connection, at least I thought there was. But it is hard to judge since he was going through alot of shit himself.
He just got out of a seven year marriage with two children involved. One his, one someone else's. His "wife" cheated on him not once but twice, and by the time we met, his wounds were still fresh. The ink hadn't even dried on the divorce papers yet, let alone been written up. But we talked about our heartaches, and I knew where he was coming from since I had just got out of a four year relationship a year ago. So my wounds are not as fresh as his. They are still mending. (It was a real messy break-up) We talked everyday on the phone since our meeting. We HAD to see eachother again. I went to visit and that's when it happened. I tell you, the next time that cherub comes near me, I will rip his little wings off and kick him in the ass! ANYWAY, sorry 'bout that. I fell in love, and so did he; so he said. But it was rushed in a month and a half. To make a long story short, we haven't talked in about a week or so and he's "dating" and I am here saying that I am. It sucks. I have been hit hard and don't know what to do. As a friend to him though, I am sending him a tape to convince him to come visit New York. Now I don't know whether I should or not. So, I figured since I haven't heard from him via phone or email, I would send him this letter in an email:

Hi (fill in the appropriate term of endearment that we haven't known each other long enough to have for each other yet, FYI, I am partial to "baby blue" in this case),
I may never write you a real love letter, because we may never love each other. Even though I feel that we are very close to wanting to fall for each other, you seem to keep actively forestalling that possibility, even though I keep telling you that my natural defense mechanisms will utterly PRECLUDE that possibility if you stall much longer. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not sure we really WOULD fall for each other if we gave it a chance, but I do know that being with you made me feel like I could be absolutely crazy about you in an instant if you let me. Maybe I'm wrong. Or maybe YOU wouldn't be crazy for ME. (Even though when you let yourself, you act like you already are.)
I know we don't get to see each other much, and that is a problem. But the main reason we don't see each other if because we haven't decided to try to push our "friendship" in that special direction. If we did, I think we would find ourselves in the same city much more often and more easily than you imagine.
Of course, there's a certain amount of inertia to overcome on my end. Certain factors that prevent me from pursuing a relationship right now. But I need encouragement! Incentive! Confidence that I am making the right decision. I'm not unwilling to do it. I just don't trust my feelings, and I trust them even less when they seem to be unreciprocated. And I don't want to hurt anyone or make the wrong choice based on feelings that I ought not trust. Should I trust them? Won't you help me figure that out?
I like you, and I like the idea of you. This is a potent combination.
I wonder if we will ever get to truly explore it.

What do you think? Should I send it? Should I not? Should I go over there and just see him? Should I go over there and give it to him? HELP!

What?!? Did Terry and I get mixed up?

2004-10-09T13:56:00.000-07:00

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

Terry, I really don't know how I got Winnie the Pooh. I thought I would be at least Tigger. Oh well....

Feeling the "Butterfly Effect"

2004-10-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got to get off of work early to go and get my hair and eyebrows done. I really haven't felt like a lady for god knows how long. So, yesterday was definitely over due.
When I got off of work, I went straight to Roosevelt. I must admit though I was a little naughty and bought an outfit for the audition I have on Tuesday. It really was not necessary, but it made me feel a bit better after my hair was done. I felt pretty for once in a blue moon.
Well, after my little shopping spree, I headed over to Spat's house to do some art work and to see his new mini pincher puppy, "Belle". (She is so cute.....but not as cute as my Katya. But that's just me!) We were hungry and were also waiting for a friend of ours to have her wedding on the webcam from Vegas. (she had the Elvis and Stormtroopers in the ceremony) Anyway, Spat and I decided to watch a movie and ended up ordering "Butterfly Effect" with Ashton Kutcher on pay-per-view.
Now I never really liked Mr. Kutcher when he came out with the punk'd show. I did like his character on "That 70's Show", but that was just his character. But as I watched this movie, which was quite the (excuse the expression) mind fuck, I was very impressed with his acting in this drama/thriller, thriller/drama, however you want to describe it. He really impressed me. The movie in itself was really good to. I don't know how many times that I wanted to change something that I blocked out in the past. (Check first blog for one of which I would change) But, it makes you think that if you did, things won't really come out in that "happy ending" way for you or for the other's that you are effecting.
I sat back and thought about the whole concept of the film. How anything end everything in my life could have been different if.....yadda, yadda, yadda. But....then I thought, I might not have met the people that are in my life today, but I would not have lost the ones that I have lost in the past. I realized that the issue in the film was a tug-of-war where neither side could pull the other far enough to fall into the mud.
All in all, I enjoyed the film immensely and believe that it should have gotten more recognition than it did. And as for Mr. Ashton Kutcher, I believed that he had a little bit of talent, but now I have a whole new respect for him. It's not a whole lot, but it's there. We'll just have to wait and see if I ever get chance to meet him.

We cannot control the wind, but we can adjust our sails

2004-10-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here I am starting a "blog". I really don't know why, but I figure that I want to put my thoughts during the day somewhere since I can't have my sketchbook handy here at work. I've been reading my dear friend Teresa's blog, even though I am no where near a great writer like she is, I decided why not give it a try.
So here it is, my first blog. What should I really talk about? The ex that has creeped back into my mind last night and filled my heart with grief. The fact that Murphey's Law came into effect on 09/07/2004. What about the man I met that spun me 360 degrees but lives in South Dakota? Yeah, I said South Dakota. Right now though, I am on the way to stopping the feelings I have for him. I haven't heard a peep from him for about a week now. Let me tell you all about this morning. Nothing special, just something that happens to me on the way to work. Something I want to write about for my first blog.
I woke up this morning at around 7:00am with the sound of my cell phone ringing creeping into my dream. You see, I use the alarm on my phone to wake me up in the morning because I don't feel like buying an actual alarm clock. So, I thought to myself, "oh god, here I go again. I don't wanna get up." So, I didn't. Ha! That's right, I 'm not getting up. Well, my phone alarm rang again at 7:30am, still didn't get up. But I did look at the phone before I shut the ringer off. It had a big "?" on the face. "Who the hell called me?" I was really hoping it was "Big Blue". (big blue will be explained in another blog) I opened my phone and saw that it was a blocked ID number that called at 4:29am. I hate blocked ID numbers. Anyway, I still didn't get up even when my phone alarm rang the last time at 8:00am. I ended getting up at 8:50am and needed to be at work at 9:00am. Thank god my job is like 2/3 minutes away from my house.
So I get dressed and let Kat (my dog) out and head to work at 9:00am on the dot. As I headed down Central Ave. I decided to stop at 7-11 and pick up a pack of cigarettes. ( I know I should stop smoking. At least I have cut down to where a pack lasts me a week) As I start up my car to pull out of the parking lot, I had noticed a funeral across the street. I stopped what I was doing and made the sign of the cross. I watched for a bit and realized that it was a funeral for someone who was in the military or a police officer. Either way, the American Flag was on the casket and it reminded me of my dad's funeral when I was 9 years old.
I was overcome with the memories of following his casket with the men in their navel uniforms, my mother, bother and grandmother in tears, and me....Hiding in the collar of my lavender coat, hating the fact that to my left a girl in my elementary school class was bawling her eyes out like he was her father.
The images that flashed before my eyes must have taken all of a fraction of a second when I realized I was now 26 years old and was supposed to be at work. I wiped the tears that had escaped my notice and pulled out of the parking lot. As I passed the funeral, I made the sign of the cross again and pulled away.
Now the reason I am writing this experience is because, ....well.... I believe in omens somewhat. I think in some way that I try all the time to block out those memories of my father's passing. Maybe after all this time I should learn to accept them and to accept myself for who I am and how this experience shaped my life. Whether positive or negative. It's who I am.